You’re free

“You’re free” he says at 10:21pm. Thank god I am free. 

I got in too deep. This total power exchange turned into a nightmare. In the end I was terrified. I was broken mentally.

I was his deviant toy. His property. I agreed to it.  I did his bidding and threw out my ethics and morals. 

Some lines I couldn’t bare to cross and there he held his power to put me in ruins over my head.  I was shook. He held my throat and had me walk the plank.  I closed my eyes really hard and hoped this was a bad dream or a hallucination. It wasn’t.

“I am warning you. You’ll not like it,” he said. It made me nervous. It made me freeze. It made me sick.  All I gave him was stress and anger.  I was the worst little girl he had ever had but he kept giving me chances. And if I ever gave him an inkling of stress or anger again, my punishment would be the worst yet. He reminded me that this was what I agreed to. It was,  but I had no idea things would get so dark.

I spent today feeling guilty and scared. I have done things I regret. I have said things I didn’t mean. I was deviant in a way that makes my skin crawl now. I realize how starved for attention I am that I would go to extremes for it. I feel like a really bad human now. I am sick.

He wrote me to ask me how I was doing today. He  said he was just checking on me.  I fear he really will come to break me.

This is the man I started this journal about. The Daddy I longed for so deeply. Who I thought would save me. He was God, I worshipped him so. My infatuation was deep and obsessive.

I wish I could be held now and tell someone what happened to me. I am frantic. I am terrified.

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