Chris the Redeemer really did a number on me. He deserves a new name now, although I will never see him again. I can feel my chest contract every time I think of that. To be so final and absolute is difficult.
I went to Olympia last Friday to see him. It was a spur of the moment decision. A 2.5 hr drive turned into 4hrs. It was raining heavily almost the whole way down I-5. There were times my windshield wipers couldn’t wipe fast enough to clear the rain away from my view of the freeway. Everytime I passed a semi a tsunami covered my small car. It was terrifying but I just wanted to see him again.
We hadn’t seen eachother in over a month. In that month, we said many things. How much we disliked eachother; to eat shit and die. How much we lusted after one another. How much we missed the other. How I was his good girl. I wanted him to make me cry from physical pain, only.
I booked us a room at The Comfort Inn. It is where we met last. I showered and dressed up while I waited for him to get off work. I sat staring out the window like a dog waiting for her master.
I wore my lacey, light pink dress with white nylons and school girl heels. He knocks and I started to sweat. I answer the door and there he is. I put my hand on his cheek. His hair is long and he has a beard now.
As rough as he has been with me, he showed me a tenderness this time, too. We showered and he washed me. He was soft and sweet. He holds me from behind and talks into my ear. I rest my head on his shoulder and we stand under the hot water.
He leaves his marks, bruises. The ones on my skin are fading now, probably be gone by the end of this weekend. Just like he is now. The ones on my ego are still fresh and purple.
This time we spend time talking. What kind of things do you like? I wanna know. I’ll never listen to that Traveling Wilburys song again. Now its stuck in my head..
“I’m so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give
Won’t you show me that you really care?”
After the hours of hard and soft moments, I fall asleep in his arms. He whispers nice things to me as I drift off. I remember smiling and hearing him snore before I sleep.
We make love and hate a few more times in the morning. He dresses and promises to return. He kisses me on my forehead, lips and cheeks before he leaves. He doesn’t come back, though. Doesn’t say a word. I am in the dark.
It put me in a daze. It hasn’t worn off all the way, yet. My stomach turned and twisted the first few days after he left.
I can’t come up with a better nickname. I’ll just have to close this chapter and leave it at that.
It was fun while it lasted.