The chaos isn’t enough

I feel down. Nothing excites me. 

I found some chaos and it wasn’t enough. I started talking to Chris the Redeemer. He loves me when I am mean and hateful towards him. He likes violence and promises to punish me like I deserve. It doesn’t excite me like it usually does.

 I do realize how my sexual tastes are also pretty violent and escalating . Sometimes I do enjoy soft, sweet sex but its rare. I think it makes me feel loved that someone would be soft with me. Love for me can change quickly. Its never right, they just can’t bare to pain me. I understand, it can be traumatizing. It puts me in a daze. If you break me, at least you have  thought about me enough to do it. Even if its hate. 

Hate is sure and passionate.


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