I exploded today. We were yelling. I am not a yeller but I did this time. Usually I retreat and disassociate. No one can say I was wrong or did bad if I am not there. It’s not real then.
I am scared for when he returns. I have no yell left. Or fight. I want to say I am sorry. But I think it is too late this time.
I haven’t mentioned my on and off boyfriend of 5 years. We have been off for a few months. We drive eachother mad. We are both stubborn. This break is where this journal started. He had told me to pack my things leave. And as I removed my belongings from what used to be our room, Sean (“Daddy”) appeared out of nowhere. I was terribly lost and he said he would make it better. I was so desperate for someone to love me. I did anything he asked. I burned his initial over my heart and I hardly knew him.
He caught a glimpse of the “S” brand today. I have hid it well. He calls me dishonest, a child. How could I do this? I tell him why and that I thought we were through for good. He doesn’t hear me. He punches the wall. I throw a jar of catnip.
I am screaming. He is loud. I know I can’t change his mind now. I kind of want to die. I am packing my things again. I did too bad this time.