I often put the men who reject me on pedestals. I see them as gods above me and I kneel at their feet. Their word is right and I should have listened. I lash out to preserve my dignity, yet I always regret it.
Here I am again. Speaking my mind and being honest. Men never like that from me.
Why am I doing this? Why can’t I stop? Do I actually like this back and forth? Do I like the emotional toil and keep throwing myself in it? I become miserable for awhile and I wonder if I am so used to it, that it is comforting.
Perhaps I just want to feel something, anything now. To know someone felt something enough about me, even if it is bad.