Ouch ouch ouch

Its hurting right now. A vice is squeezing my heart and trying make tears come out of my eyes. I am at work and I cannot cry. I don’t want anyone asking me what is wrong. Nothing they can say or do will make it right. 

My lips tremble as I force my smile. Someone asks me why I am not my usual cheery self, it pisses me off. I say I am good, though. I am really no good at hiding my mood some days recently. 

I feel small again. Like the times when I actually was a little girl and I would wait until I could be alone in my room, in bed under the covers with my boom box and cry. And cry and cry and if someone thought they saw me sad, I would switch the song and tell them I am not and never am.

I am in a fishbowl here at work, completely alone. It is slow and at least I can play the music I like while I am here. Every song reminds me of him. 

My heart is broken and I just want to go home now.

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