I haven’t slept much this week. 4 hours at most a night. Last night it was only 2.5. I’ve been catching up on reading, wrapping presents, decorating the house, or shopping when I can’t sleep. I enjoy these things, and for awhile there, I couldn’t.
The shopping habit can be bad, though.I feel guilty , excited, and regretful all at once. I have taken care of myself since I was 17. Never have I not been able to satisfy my basic human needs. But I have so many things I don’t need. I satisfy my wants and even my don’t really wants. I ask myself why it is so fun, and I can’t figure it out. I know that when it is past midnight and I am in some store browsing with no intent, that I am not OK. Sometimes its loneliness, I know. Wandering around to find something shiny and new to distract myself with. So I can forget for awhile. But I get anxious knowing what I am doing and doing it anyway.
Somedays I wish someone would shake me a bit. Tell me what to do, what not to do. Check on me. Ask me if I am doing ok.