I know it killed you, but nobody died

I stopped taking my medicines regularly sometime over the summer. It was a mix of me hating the weekly pill box fill ritual and feeling like none of these pills were working on me.

I was constantly exhausted. The doctors and specialists could not figure me out. They fed me more pills, stuck me with needles, attached me to machines. I think they tried their best.

I had just enough energy to make it through my work days. My only motivation to get up and go to work was the fact that if I didn’t go, I would lose mine and  Buddy’s shelter.

He has been by my side everyday.  If I could make a wish, it would be to give him back what he has given me. And to make up for all the hikes and walks we missed. And all the time I have to spend away from home without him. You know that saying, “Who saved who?” I kept his old owners from killing him. He kept me from killing myself.

I spent months asleep. I didn’t even smoke weed anymore. I would come home, curl up in bed and turn Trailer Park Boys on while the rest of the world stopped existing to me. My brand new bed developed a dip in the spot I would lay in everyday. I see and feel it now and it makes me sad sometimes. I wouldn’t wish the hopelessness I felt on my least favorite person. I never thought this is what I would become.

When I was awake, my patience was ultra thin, I was angry all the time, I hated everything. It hurt to be so angry all the time, as I am not an angry person. I felt out of control. My fuse was always just about out. And I imagined all ways I could make it all stop. You get to a point where things are so dark and you are so desperate for relief, that you would kill yourself. Just turning off your brain forever would be better than this. I imagined often, crashing my car into trees. Or shooting myself in the head. It twists my heart to write that now. I thank the Heavens that I never went through with those ideas. It doesn’t hurt like that anymore. Not even close.

Being off the meds, I am less tired, less angry. I medicate with marijuana instead. I am calm and nothing hurts like it did. I am moving, walking, talking and laughing like I was before.


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