November 26th, 2014

I remember the last time I saw you. You were wearing your favorite gray jacket, jeans and your blue soccer shoes. I looked up from my desk and you were standing there with your hands in your pockets smiling at me. I had been missing that smile. 

I gave you back your apartment key so you could turn it in to the landlord. You moved back in with your Dad and dropped out of school. 

We hugged eachother  really tight and long.  I wish I knew it was the last one.

 You were my best friend. My brother.

 I can feel my heart being squished right now. I can taste blood in my mouth. 

November 26th, 4 days after the last time I saw you, smelled you, felt you, you were dead.

I called you 3 hours too late that day. 

No, it can’t be. That is fucking absurd. You’re wrong. Let me call him again, he will answer. No, this is a mistake. He is gonna call me back any second. No! He can’t. He wouldn’t. That is not my Lucci…

They said you looked at peace when they found you. You could take off your armor now. The black clouds that chased you couldn’t touch you anymore. You are with your Mommy and the Angels now. She will take care of you.

I wished so many times I could have saved you. The guilt drove me mad. It took me a long time to accept that you had made your decision and no one could stop you. You wouldn’t let them try. 

I spent the rest of November 26th alone. Everyone I knew was gone for the holiday. 

I wailed and it was something I never heard before. My heart was smashed and blood was coming out of my mouth. I screamed at God. I screamed to scream. I completely lost my mind.  

The next morning was Thanksgiving. I wondered if it was just a nightmare. I hesitated to move because for a brief moment maybe none of it was true afterall. If I stay like this, it never happened.

I made coffee and came outside. The wind was so cold and harsh  that it felt like slaps in the face. I am staring at the patio picturing Luciano standing here with me like he was just not that long ago. I am frozen. 

Then, an unusually chubby hummingbird appears 3 ft in front of me. It hovers and lets me look at it. I think it is Luciano coming to tell me it will be OK. It stays for awhile. And I laugh, because I am sure it was you, my Lucci.


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