I was involved in a Dd/lg relationship. At least in the beginnings. When things fizzled out, I thought I took care to cut all ties. This man was abusive and I stayed because I have low self esteem and felt alone without him. It is also apparent that I am looking for and attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I become obsessive and romanticize them. My therapist is helping me channel that energy elsewhere. It is difficult.
There were good moments, but looking back, I really should not have been involved with him. I wish I could give the old me who was involved a hug.
After it was done he would reappear and apologize and if I didn’t come back to him, he’d leave me forever. I came back a few times. Then I blocked his phone number, made all my social media private and I thought he would never be able to reach me again.
Then he got a new phone number to contact me from. Once I blocked that one, he got another new phone number. I would delete his messages but there would be more. Now he is back again and I feel like I can’t escape.
People move along
they were never there
Was I there?
The light brown shade of his hair
His legs were long and soft
And I kissed them to the top of the thigh
To the hip
Where it tickles
I loved them on my knees
Looking up at him for approval
And the way he said my name
Oh, the way he said my name
You turn into a daydream
That I am starting to forget
I shut my eyes real tight
I can see the colors
But I don’t see you anymore
This weekend my family has come to visit me. I usually drive down to Seattle to see them once a month.
We have had so much fun, non-stop. Swimming 2 days in a row, visiting parks, a little shopping. I try not to think that they will be leaving tomorrow to go back home. And I will be here. I always cry when we part. I am a crier. A bawler. I can’t hold my emotions in, ever. I don’t like that about myself. But maybe it is a good thing. My tears are honest and they burn my cheeks.
Now, we are having a slumber party at a hotel. It is Mom, one of my sisters, my niece and I. We are just missing my big sister.
What I would give to make this weekend last just a little bit longer.
I have a new therapist. He talks to me different than my past therapists. He is not patting me on the shoulder saying , “There, there…it will be ok.” He is challenging me to change my negative thinking. He talks about some spiritual stuff that I honestly couldn’t regurgitate, but it has been making sense.
We talk about my writing. How I only write when I am usually feeling down. I don’t know what to write when I am happy. Everything feels corny. But when I am sad, I can write for days. About sad things of course.
I have homework to write when I am ‘aware’. Not stuck in my sad machine. To write when I am in a good mood. When there is calm. When I am ecstatic. When nothing hurts.
This was my first attempt.
I’ve been looking for this warm feeling
I’ve been looking but I’ve only imagined it
I think it’ll taste like the color purple
Royal purple and
Maybe cobolt blue with a sliver of orangey yellow at the top
Like a sunset
It’s a place I can rest my bones
Let my belly show
Be quiet if I want
And theres a sillouhette
I can’t make out the shape of the figure
I’ve wandered with a lantern
into different beds
But it’s not there
I don’t think that feeling I am looking for
I am feeling sad and lonley today
The kind of sad that twists your stomach into knots
The kind of sad that takes your breath
The kind of sad that has tears dangling off the bottom of your eyes
But they don’t fall
I’ve been taking 2 showers a day for 2 weeks. I feel dirty halfway through the day. And if I feel something bad, I can shower and erase it. I am clean. What just happened didn’t. Shower and I can start over.