It’s 5 in the evening and Spring.
The sun is still bright like it’s morning.
I should be out there
Laying in the grass, bathed in the sunlight
I should be putting my citrus lotion on and daydreaming
Smelling like warm oranges
But I am inside trying to nap
In my cold room, under blankets. Something is playing in the background
Some show that is talking
so I don’t feel
alone in here.
All I can think about is
the lump in my armpit.
Can we go back to the beginning? When my cheeks were flush and we both anticipated. When you wrote stories and I wrote back. It broke the monotony of the day. Its not to say my life is boring, its full of love, laughter and time goes by too quick.
I kind of wish we never met. Maybe things would be different. You could still imagine me. You could still be piqued. I am still piqued. Full of lust and want. But I know the boundaries. I don’t search for you but I hope you appear.
I remember meeting you in the coffee shop. It tooks us awhile to decide where to meet. We both know a lot of the town and couldn’t chance being seen. You with a stranger woman, me with a stranger man. Not with our love partners. With our lust partners. Your energy was contagious and you put me at ease. You wore a green shirt and a trucker hat. Your smile is a million watts. Your hug was warm like I was a friend. It seems like a really long time ago now. It was just a little over a month ago.
I don’t hear from you anymore. You went back to focus on your life and family. You said don’t ever think it was me, why you disappeared . So I don’t. But sometimes, I do.
I have a new therapist. I’m kind of confused as to why I am going. What is it for? What do I ? What do I say? Can I say the wrong thing? I just don’t know.
Here we were at the Olympia Inn
I’m foolish, starved for something
He gives me a taste, a spoonful
But it doesn’t fill me up
“I’m just going to the corner store, I’ll be right back.”
Now my eyes are welling up
“You are so sweet, so kind, so wonderful, I like you.
Can’t you tell?”
I can’t tell
He tries to kiss me and I don’t kiss back
Chris The Redeemer wipes a tear off my cheek
Some reach my lips
And they taste like the boiling sea water
I’m weeping as he is walking out the door
I know I said last time was the last time
But I just wanted one more time
And I keep ending up
Alone in a motel room
Crying in the tub
Asking the sky
Begging to know why
i’m just not good enough
I don’t say anything
One because that means the end
And it didn’t hurt at first
I felt nothing at all
But you can’t really
Honestly share your body
Have intoxicating moments
And not feel a thing
A good thing
A bad thing
But not nothing
I don’t want your love
I just want a friend
And you’ll take that from me
If I say anything
This was a good one
Probably the best
He massaged my mind
He made me squirm
Reminded me of my favorite things
He smelled like cantaloupe rinds
I will end my streak with this one
I will go back to my garden and
And hope I don’t run into you at the grocery store
On the street
On a mountain or at a lake somewhere
I’m lying about that
It wasn’t supposed to be this way
Actually it was
How lucky am I
To fall asleep in the sun for half of an hour
My skin is kissed by the sunshine
And I forget everything
I play my favorite song
It is so sweet
That I forget the sour things
I woke up confused
The first thing I thought was
Where is my dog?
Did he run away?
Did I let his leash go?
Then I see him in the window
Sleeping in the sun, too
Everything is right
Here I am again
I am running , I am climbing, I am laughing now
My speech is fast and my brain is going one million miles a minute
My fingers, too.
I knew she was here when I woke up at 3:00 am out of the blue after 2 hours of rest
and never went back to sleep
I knew she was here when I took a 5 minute shower
I knew she was here when I was smiling in the morning
nothing hurts right now